Whether you are a coach helping a client overcome an obstacle or a friend supporting a buddy through a difficult time, you know what it feels like to try to help someone stuck or struggling. 

You might go straight to the issue, asking, “What have you tried?” or “How can you move forward?” On the surface, they seem like helpful inquiries, but chances are, you will get the three dreaded words, “I don’t know.”

Your direct questions are too harsh. They require commitment and don’t allow space for the individual to struggle. Your desire to be helpful or your impatience can corner them and close off creativity. They don’t want to be vulnerable or weak, so they just shut down.

In situations like this, consider asking a soft-edge question. Preamble your questions with words like:

• Just suppose…
• Imagine…
• What if…
• Is it possible…

Opening the conversation this way invites exploration rather than an explanation. It becomes safe to throw out ideas. There is no pressure to give the right answer or an answer they are going to be held to. You invite the stuck person to think through the possibilities and put them on the table.

Add one more skill to further expand the space. Use silence. Do not fill the pauses with noise. Silence shows you are equal to your stuck person’s struggle. Stay with them in discomfort.

Also, be aware of your tone. Your words might be saying one thing, but your tone conveys another. You come off sounding condescending or superior. Be an explorer with no attachment to the outcome. Stay calm, curious, and engaged. This approach will offer subtle support and encouragement.



Soft-edged questions help your spouse, daughter, or co-worker relax. They can shift from “I don’t know” to excavating, experimenting, and exploring. When you welcome the struggle, it does not have to be pushed away. The muddled brain has time and space to become resourceful.